It never ceases to amaze me, some people...
You would think, that going through so much pain, both physically and emotionally would change a person. For me, it has. I have become humble, calmer, and more reserved. Of course, right now, a good bit of that is because physically, I don't have the energy, what fighting this kidney infection/stone, spleen issues, and elevated enzymes. But for some people, at least 10 years my senior, and who have gone through much less "pain", in both senses, it still isn't enough to change them. Rather, they seem to have become worse.
I witnessed today someone making a complete ass of themselves in front of the legal system. After I'm sure much mental preparation and having a Tony award winning speech prepared, he was shot down. "We are not here for your doubts. They are unnecessary." Rather than gloat, I just sat there. In awe of how immature and juvenile this person really was. And also saw my former self in him. I was greatly disheartened that the whole experience hasn't humbled him, nor has he seen how it has metamorphosed me. He has blinders on, no longer rose coloured, seeing himself as the only victim in the world. Even if he's the perpetrator. And even before, when I was the actual victim of the crime, he would act as if it was him that was violated, and would take it upon himself to act as he saw appropriate. I see now that not all of those actions were. That they really weren't for me to benefit, but to temporarily make himself look better and more interesting.
The only time in the past I was ever able to get this person to listen was after he had rapidly consumed 2 pitchers or more of beer, and in a public forum. That was the only time he was ever humble. And then, in the morning, after the mere buzz wore off, he was back to arguing and putting up the wall he has built so many times. I almost invested in buying him Legos to make the process easier. And the same night that our last big argument occurred, he was online that night, instantly tried to find a shoulder to cry on, and succeeded in finding a transvestite who love their cats, a move that was not unexpected. The online bashing continued, on various Facebook walls, through my own family members, and directly. When he violated his own order, and I called the authorities to inform him, the immaturity appeared right in front of them and myself. And then his friends would chime in, "defending" him, but not really at the same time. The same friends that I'm sure will read this, and report back. Hopefully, they'll report back the truth, not another ego stroking debriefing. A real friend would read a report like this and maybe tell them, "You know, she has a point. Time to grow up!" But, if they're on the same level as him, I doubt I will have such a kind and gentle response. That's one thing I have Faith in...
But even after all this, I do not hate him. I rarely use that word. In fact, I still love him. The person behind the wall. Not the one holding the trowel and bricks, sucking his thumb and Foster's. Deep inside, he is a good person. Wonderful even. Kind, loving, funny, intelligent, witty, etc. But once I stood up for what was right (i.e. that receiving sexually explicit photos on his phone from another woman, and thinking that was inappropriate), I saw the other person inside. The same little boy I heard about that was made fun of in school, "tortured" by his older brother, hurt and unloved by the world. The same person who relocates every year or so because the same thing seems to happen to them, no matter where they go. Funny, that used to happen to me too. But I realized this time around that the only one thing in common with that, was me. As with him, the same drama seems to ensue after the same amount of time, no matter the location, and the partied involved. But at least, I'm starting to see this, and am going to work on fixing it, one way or another. I have yet to see ANY effort in him like that at all, and today just put severe doubts in my mine that I ever will. Which is sad. Like he's proclaimed to me, I miss the old him. The kind, loving him, not the monster he has become. I looked in the mirror with him, and saw two of me. What he seems to see, is only himself, but sad and alone. No matter who is there looking back at him. I wish I could have shown him I was there, I tried so hard. But, it's only up to him to open his eyes and see.
