“Sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will never hurt you.” That is probably the biggest crock of shit your parents will ever tell you. That taunting nursery rhyme will just set up any fun-loving, optimistic child up for epic failure. In reality, the truth hurts. It scars worse that a botched tummy tuck from a doctor who used the laughing gas on himself. But in this new phase of my life, I’m trying to be completely honest and truthful in everything. It is not a simple task by far. Herding cats is much easier. Working on this massive undertaking however has really opened up my eyes to a lot on the essence of truth and it’s relevance to life.
After much need soul searching, with the help of a few spiritual advisors, I have been working on what they call "charactor defects". These are, in layman's terms, all the departments in your personality that you are f'd up in. I am tired of being miserable, lonely, a bitch, etc. so, I am taking steps to improve on these faults of mine. One of the biggest ones for me is honesty. Even over the pettiest things, I would withold the truth, to protect myself from being hurt. Or so I thought. In the end, the white lies would snowball into an avalanche that would leave me crushed under my own guilt and shame, and eventually, drowning in a few other imbibments....
As I start to be honest, the biggest challenge I am running into is earning that trust back from others that I habitually lied to in the past. I understand that they are weary, and have every right to be. However, how many times can I say I've changed, show them I'm changed, and loose a few brain cells from spewing this out ever and over again before they notice that I'm actually honest this time? Someone I was very close with, though, not as much anymore (it did not end on the BEST of terms), is begining to contact me, reminding me of good times, and saying he misses those days. I do too. He is weary of anything I say, however, and I can understand that. But, I struggle with the fact that, on his end, he was not completly honest with me as well, and I feel his demand of me being 100% honest, and his timidness is almost the pot calling the kettle black. He is so fearfull of my "deception", yet he was hiding his sexual behaviors/fantasies behind my back at the end of our relationship. And when called out on it, it created backlash like Egypt last year. I did similar behaviors, and have made a major overhaul on those, and it has been seen by everyone else around me. I guess what I'm really stressing about is, if he so desperatly has a hard time trusting me, when is he going to make the leap of faith to do so? When it comes to trust, that is unfortunatly what have to do. Trust is faith. I ask him to help me and tell me what he would need for that trust to be earned. He said he doesn't know. What I see... And maybe I'm wrong, is someone who doesn't know about their own honesty. Someone who struggles with the same thing. And, maybe, just maybe, he isn't honest with himself about he feels about the whole thing. I know how that is, I lied to myself about what I want in life, who I am. Especially when I was in that particular relationship. I say all this because one thing I've learned is when something really bothers you, someone else's charachtor defect, it's because it's something you have yourself. You spot it, you got it. It's just easier to see the same flaws you have, and blame the other person first, so you can ignore your issue with it.
You also run into catching others not being truthful in your life much easier, now that I am being more forthcoming. I can read people body language better than Hop on Pop. One of my newest aquaintances, a roomate, is full of lies. Full of anxiety, stress, negativity, and just flat out BS. Nothing is ever good in her life; even a compliment to her is seen as the next Cuban missle crisis. I eventually moved out of that room into another with my best friend because all the drama, lying, and trying to correct her on it, was just physically and mentally draining. I see my old self in her, and am disgusted in what I see. Someone playing the victim, using everything wrong in their life as an excuse to act like Charlie Sheen, and just not seeing the truth of how their life actually is. Yes, your father is terminally ill, and I'm sorry to hear that. However, that's not an excuse to go sleep with random guys that you are NOT allowed to be with in hotels while you're supposed to be job hunting to pay your rent. It's not an excuse to lie about your spazing out on staff and friends over us bringing it to your attention that your closet collapsing due to your ever growing wardrobe (that you supposedly don't have money to pay for, let alone said rent) is NOT the end of the world. For God's sake, listen to Monty Python, and always look on the bright side of life! My saying you look cute in those jeans, does NOT mean your shirt looks like shit. For her, the truth is that her life's issues are not that bad... and no one really cares when you act worse than the Real Housewives of Whatever Bravo Finds Next.... I've been there, done that, and look back and just laugh at the insanity of it all.... God, I was crazy....
Not everyone is honest, I've accepted that. and sometimes it is necessary to not say the whole truth to someone who is unstable enough that doing so might result in them hurting themselves of someone else. I ran into that a little bit last night. That's a whole other blog on it's own. But, if there were more honesty around, there would be less drama, less BS, less confusion, and less stress on all parties involved. Yes, there would be a little more pain and scaring, but when you are truly honest, you can accept that pain. Be honest with yourself, and chose to learn from it. Truth is to know that honesty hurts, but can help us grow into such wonderful human beings. Beings that can be tolerable, even, dare I say it, lovable! Thanks to my new way of life and truthiness, I know that now.
And knowing is half the battle....
